Dreams

A few months before [....] left I had a dream that I came home one day and no one was there. I walked up to the bedroom and there on the neatly made bed was a note, resting against my pillow. Before I even went to the note I knew that it was a goodbye letter. In the dream, I didn't open the letter. Fast track, I come home June 5, 2005 and there is a letter, neatly resting against the stairs. It was a goodbye letter. I've been having several dreams and visions of me committing suicide. This hasn't been just a part of my sleeping state, but also my waking state. I am in a very painful place right now, despite my ability to put on a show for the world. I've been increasingly scared to discuss the "politics" of whatever may or may not be left of[...] and my relationship, mostly due to the dreams and visions I've been having. In two of the very vivid dreams I've had, I have walked out into traffic and ended my life. Today I had a session with Yanna. I didn't want to go. I wanted to go and buy supplies to make an anniversary card for [...] and perhaps make him a gift. Why, I don't know. The possibility we will be spending tomorrow (our anniversary) together hasn't really even been discussed. Yanna insisted and persisted that I attend the session. Usually, she is quite ok if I need to reschedule. I took her persistance as a sign and made the decision to go to the session. When I was walking down Shaw Street, I began to cross the road on the street that is right next to her house. As I stepped out into the street a vehicle was driving right towards me. I didn't see him and he didn't see me. By the time I looked over my left shoulder and noticed the it, he was centimeters away from hitting me. He slammed on his brakes hard and quickly turned his steering wheel to avoid crushing me. Strangely enough, or not, I just stopped and looked at him. I didn't jump, I didn't feel scared. I was at complete peace with the whole thing. I remember stepping out onto the street and immediately having a feeling (?) of a car coming towards me. In the first dream I had of ending my life, I walked right out of Yanna's house and right into the street - a black car was coming towards me and then the dream ended, I didn't actually dream I had been hit, but the sensation that I was going to and wanted that to happen was there. The vehicle today was black. Happy Anniversary [...]. I love you, and I miss you so much.