An Old Find

I am in the midst of packing. Just little things here & there to help lighten the load when it's time to do the 'big' packing (it really is all just packing). I came across a book I bought shortly after Ian left. It is called "When things fall apart". It is about healing from loss. All losses, but there is a lot on relationships. It was a really wonderful book. The author is quite funny and entertaining. A lot of insight into human relationships and our emotions. I knew when I bought the book that it wasn't going to solve all my problems. I guess I was hoping (an action with intention!) that I would find some connection with the author and her subject, freeing me from the isolation (loneliness) that I was feeling at that time. Perhaps making sense of everything that I didn't understand. You know the saying, 'Stop looking for love and it will find you'? It really applies in all aspects of life. Let go of the struggle. Let go of the denying & lying. Let go of the facade. Let go of the running away from. Let go of the running to. Let go of the ideals. Let go of intention. Let go of ritual. Let go of the fear. Let go of the escapes. Let go of the walls you build around you. Let go of the images your mind has created. Just let go of it all. And here you will find what you were looking for. Which is nothing, isn't it. I talk a great deal about investigation. Investigating these emotions that arise. [Investigation is not to be confused with analysing. To analyse something we are looking to solve, we are separating the analyser from that being analyzed to come to a conclusion. Investigation is not analytical.] Learning what they are. When they are the experience of it all. Creating a state where the mind calms and becomes silent, so that it doesn't react to the emotions of pleasure and fear and loneliness. Where the mind observes that it is the sole creator of those emotions and experiences that are rooted in pleasure and fear and loneliness. When the mind is able to observe this truth in a state of silence, it observes that those emotions, experiences are not real. They are not truth. For it labels and rationalizes and idealizes and judges and translates based on its recorded images which include both past and future. The mind operates in 'time'. For in this present moment there is nothing to rationalize. None of these exist. There is no loneliness, right here right now. There is no fear, right here right now. There is no pleasure, right here right now. Is it enough to say "I am this'? No, I do not think it is. If you do not understand fear, loneliness and pleasure. If you do not understand (learn) where the roots of these are in the deep hidden layers of your consciousness. But it is also not about picking apart every pleasure or fear you have either. For there is no this pleasure and that pleasure. We have neurotic fears and sane fears, but they are all fears just the same. When we investigate where this fear is born we can eliminate all fears. Our mind understands that it is not only the observer of fear but also the fear itself and realizes the stupidity in reacting. And why would we want to go through this process? Why not just sit and be silent with that feeling of fear until the fear is there no more? You do not eliminate just through observation. I observed my attachment to relationships, but that observation wasn't enough to eradicate that attachment. Reading books on attachment wasn't enough to eradicate that attachment. Telling myself I wasn't going to be attached wasn't enough to eradicate that attachment. Closing my eyes and meditating on that attachment wasn't enough to rid myself of that attachment. All these were reactions to the pain that I was feeling. They were escapes. And as long as there is roots of pleasure and fear and loneliness there can be no love. As we've already investigated that love is not any of these things. And as long as these are still present, love is not. Here I am trying to explain an experience with the mind, through words. Words are just thoughts verbalized. In the process of this I observe the mind rationalizing. Which subtracts the experience from the experience. To think that a book or a guru, or a temple or a place of worship or a religion or ritual is going to help free us from our misery is absolute idiocy. It is simply another form of escape. We escape when we don't want to bring our awareness into this moment and understand (learn). I am the creator of fear. I am the creator of pleasure. I am the creator of loneliness. And I will continue to be these things until the mind observes that these things are simply projections of past and future and therefore are false. ~~~~~~~ I've noticed in the past month that the moment I sit for meditation, I can feel the energy pulsing through my body. It is a comforting sensation. Last week I took a couple of days off of meditation. I slept so soundly during those nights. No multiple wake-ups or terrifying dreams. And it appears that the more deeper I go into meditation, the more disturbance I have during sleep afterwards. Last night I woke up several times and ended up waking up for work almost an hour late. I felt so exhausted this morning that I was tempted to call in sick (which I never ever do). I remember at some point last night that I woke up in so much pain, the details now though are cloudy. My arms, hands and wrists hurt so much, it felt like they had been through the wringer. They say it is during sleep that the kundalini energy does it's work, but I am curious to know if my meditation is in direct correlation with this, as it certainly intensifies.