Open your window and let in the atmosphere

I met with Yanna this evening. It's been about a month since I've seen her for a session. I love how she opens the door for me before I actually get there. She is so warm and welcoming. Our session today was fantastic. She kept commenting on how clear and strong and bright my energy was. She said I "shine". It was also the first session in months and months that I did not break down and cry. I felt good. I felt as light as a feather. I think part of the reason I am losing so much weight since the Vipassana retreat has to do with the layers of emotional baggage that are falling off of me. My body fat is at about 22% now, the lowest its ever been and about 3% lower than normal for my age. My doctor is quite concerned but .. that's doctors for you. ~~~~ During meditation this morning I had quite the breakthrough. I was able to associate and locate the source of my trust issues. They stem back to when I was very little, before I started kindergarten. During most of my life I’ve been petrified of my step dad. I was aware, even at a young age, that he didn't like me. My mom never did much to guard me from him. She never supplied me with much nurturing (another tie-in I was able to couple with my need to invariably "touch" people and be touched) and at all times remained rather aloof. I ached for my mothers protection, and she never delivered. I felt so alone, so emotionally limited and unwished-for. I recalled a time where I was playing in the basement of our apartment building, I couldn't have been more than 5. My step dad drove up and parked the car and found me down there and shit hit the fan. He literally kicked me up 12 flights of stairs to our apartment, where I ran in absolutely terrified for my life. I ran right to my mom and she backed away from me and at that moment I felt such a loss ... no one to turn to. I couldn't trust my own mother to protect my very life. Today has been a day of healing and I suspect the next few days or weeks will be an on-going process of emancipating this emotional baggage.