To know all and to know nothing at all

Our egos so combative and judicious. Either wanting to take care so not to bruise a feeling of another or taking care to keep the armour close that defends our bullshit. As I begin to put the pieces of my life together through connect the dots, I see how these relationships mirrored my value of self. I came to believe that somehow because of my imperfections, I needed to be extra accomodating, not rock the boat too much, be grateful for whoever would stick it through. My worth lied in the fact that someone was still around. As Yanna would say: I settle. But it was me who chose to get involved and then stay invovled with these people. I remained because they re-iterated to me exactly what I felt about myself. They were the reflection of the image that I held of myself. But I also expected them to change. I was greedy and unhappy. And by wanting or wishing for them to change I was admitting that they weren't OK in my books, and I was also diverting change from within, to someone else. And a relationship cannot survive on the other trying to feng shui their partners behaviour. I've come to realize that people don't really know themselves. They don't see that there is a great gap that lies between who they pretend to be and who they really are. I've discovered that there are colossal differences in what they say about themselves, what they genuinely believe and what the truth is about how they actually show up in life. Me too sometimes... I am learning though and there is great opportunity within me. It is time to grow up. Grow up to God. Accept without strife or joy the lessons He presents to me so that I can grow up. I know nothing and yet I know everything.